Body

✍️: Ronald Alagos

Preia's Point of View.

My name's Preia Serdennio, I'm 19 years old and I'm insecure. I'm naturally skinny since I was a kid. I gain weight but, my body size doesn't change.

I am a supporter of the body positivity movement. I support people that are labeled as 'big' and 'fat', and people that are commonly victims of shame and bullying because of their body. I started becoming a supporter two years ago, and, I learnt— quite a lot, if you ask me.

I use my social media accounts to preach and spread positive messages. I always try to strive for equality and seeing everybody happy and secure. 

However, as time goes by, I noticed odd and uncomfortable thoughts that start to arise within me. I now want everyone to be happy— a nice intention to have, some people might say. 

At first, it was just okay for me, I thought it's just because I'm being nice or that, it's the love and empathy that I have for my fellow human being but, no, it's way more than empathy and kindness, but something that is toxic and negative.

I want everyone to be happy because— I— feel a sense of obligation and responsibility for their happiness. Since I indulged myself in video contents about body positivity, read comments that attack, blame, and shame skinny people, I developed this feeling of unworthiness, I feel like, it's my fault that there are people out there that are insecure with their bodies. I feel like, it's my fault for being skinny and that, it's my fault for making them insecure, bullied and shamed. Hence, the reason why I developed this sense of responsibility towards other people's happiness. 

I couldn't even dance without feeling guilty of showing my skinny body, I feel like I just want to hide my body because of this. I feel trapped and prisoned in constant thoughts of wanting others to be happy. I almost am sacrificing my happiness because of this just so I could put others up.

Body positivity is great but, I was indulged— too much. Too much to the point that, I neglect myself just to lift others up.

We didn't wish to be the standard, people may blame the society but, I— we all are part of the society. 

I sighed.

I looked at my body infront of the mirror. I could see a girl, looking tired and wary, with a pleasing look in her eyes. I burst into tears.

" I-I'm sorry... "

I said as I embraced myself.

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